January 18, 2016

Journal: Intentionality



Maybe it's out of habit or just in my personality to over-apologize, but when I first sat down to write this post, I had every intention of starting this post by apologizing for our absence for the past ten weeks. Maybe it's because I'd like to think that people actually care about this blog and about what I have to say, but the truth is no one but me and Brandon really care whether this blog is active or not. And since I'm already being honest, the truth is that I'm not sorry for having taken this time off. The way events unfolded at the end of last year forced me to really reflect on and confront the consequences of my actions that I put into motion years ago. I needed that time off to step back so that I could move forward.

For those of who have been on this journey with me since my last blog, Transient Withdrawal, you will remember that after a five-year relationship had ended, at 22, I was desperate to reclaim my independence and discover who I was. I was bitter and panicked that I had let a relationship make me miss out on many critical milestones in my early twenties, and so I felt compelled to do a crash-course to catch up with my peers. I was finally able to do college the right way during graduate school where I found friendships outside of my hometown circle. I was finally able to have those awkward dates and quick flings--both of which quickly turned into funny stories I could finally share with my girlfriends. And last year, I was finally able to move out into my own space. I was so adamant to get a quick and easy claim to independence that I felt so strongly that all of these experiences and milestones would bring me up to speed with my peers. Looking back now, at 26, I was naive and impatient to think becoming independent would be so quick and easy. It has been neither. Just like with a plant, you can't rush growth, especially when it comes to personal growth.


j: skylark pleather jacket, brandy melville striped t-shirt, zara distressed skinny jeans, mansur gavriel mini bucket bag, dolce vita kadie boots, raybans sunglasses
b: blk dnm jacket #5, american apparel striped t-shirt, rag & bone jeans, rag & bone boots, raybans sunglasses


For the majority of my life, I prided myself in being selfless and thoughtful. I figured that these were good qualities in a person and in a friend, and I wanted to be a good person and a good friend. I also figured that if I put others before myself that others would do the same. Likewise, I thought that others would give as much as they received. Looking back now, I can't be too sure if my intentions were entirely pure. I'd like to think that I gave without expecting anything return, and that I was selfless because I was humble enough to put others before me. After seeing myself in this way for so long, I distinctly remember when Brandon called me selfish for the first time. I got so defensive. I felt like he was attacking my character. This positively great quality that I was so sure I possessed was being more than just questioned--it was being dismissed by a person who I loved and who loved me in return. It bothered me for a long time, and I'd be lying if I said that it still didn't haunt me or make me second-guess my intentions and decisions of today. No one ever wants to be called or seen as selfish, especially by a loved one. I am thankful that he still loves me despite my selfish tendencies, and that he is patient with me to remedy them. Back then, I mistook being independent for being unapologetic. It was empowering not having to be sorry for what I did and for what I wanted. Still very much like a child, I thought this was what it meant to be an adult, but it's irresponsible to think and live this way. What I slowly learned was that there's a very fine line between selfishness and independence--and that fine line is intentionality. 

I'm embarrassed to admit how slowly and unwillingly I realized my selfish tendencies, especially in 2015. It took a great loss of friendships that I never thought could be lost to make me realize and confront who I had become since my quick declaration of independence in 2012. It's not that I took these friendships for granted; rather, I thought that these friendships, that have withstood the test of time and distance, could withstand my need to break away and discover who I was. But in just looking at that last sentence alone makes me feel even more embarrassed that I didn't realize that I no longer put others before myself, and that I was receiving more than I was giving. Almost as if it were like accruing store-credit, I think in a way, I felt entitled to having this time to take more and give less because I had been so selfless and thoughtful in the past. I felt that last year, after all this time, it was finally my time to cash it all in. I guessed, or rather hoped, that my friends would've understood that I needed and wanted to put myself first for once, because I'd like to think, especially now, that I would've understood if they needed the same space for self-exploration. I needed to be selfish then. I thought that this understanding was the ultimate demonstration of being selfless, and therefore, of friendship; and maybe they did understand, but it might not have been what they needed or wanted from me as their friend. Through all of my self-exploration, I didn't give much thought to their needs or the journeys that they were going through themselves. I assumed that my intentions were clear and harmless, but you know what they say when you assume things...I definitely made an ass out of myself, and maybe out of them too. 

When my friends and I finally hashed it all out, I accepted blame because I wanted to be the bigger person and take responsibility for my actions. I also needed them to understand that my intentions were never to hurt them. Thinking back now, even my apology had some selfish agendas to it: I needed to clear my conscience. I wanted us to patch things up and thought an apology was all they needed. I guess what everything eventually comes down to is intentionality. I was still not thinking of them, but of myself more. I was being selfish, rather than unapologetically independent. My actions were a truer representation of my intentions, and in the end, my friends made their intentions clear. I was deeply hurt. I beat myself up for it for months and was scared to pursue new friendships. It felt like a horrible and painful break up--I had to take time to grieve; I had to take time to reminisce; I had to watch their lives go on without me on social media; and eventually, I had to let go. It still pains me that friendships that had begun in elementary and middle school ultimately came to an end at my own hands, but just because I miss them sometimes doesn't mean that they have to belong in my life now. This casualty of friendships has simultaneously humbled and empowered me. I've learned to accept the mistakes that I made and will always be grateful for how these women have shaped my life. I will take it as a lesson and try my best to keep moving forward. Ultimately, everything I go through will grow me. 

I guess the biggest takeaway from 2015 was that I needed to start living more with intentionality and less out of habit. I want to be intentional with my time. Wherever I am, I want to be all there--mind, body, and soul. Whatever I do, I want to do it completely and wholeheartedly. Whoever I am with, I want to be with them deeply and passionately. No longer will I hang out with someone out of obligation. Life is too short to spend it with people you don't connect with or doing things you don't enjoy. I feel that I am now starting to surround myself with people who inspire me to be better: creative souls who are passionately and fearlessly pursuing their dreams. In 2016, I am going to do my thing. I am still going to be unapologetic about it, but this time, I will be aware of my intentions and how they're reflected in my actions. I feel in order to do this completely and wholeheartedly, I need to be honest with myself, including my selfish desires and needs, and patiently accept myself despite those selfish tendencies. This year, I am going to do things intentionally with the understanding that the outcome may be different than my intention, and with the faith that everything will happen the way it's intended to. 

"Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional." 
--Glenda Cloud 

94 comments:

  1. Welcome back and thanks for being so transparent and honest.
    http://www.racheldinh.com

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  2. Ooooh I like the photography style! Black & white is really nice and the coffee looks so delicious! xx adaatude.com

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  3. This outfit is awesome. I love your style! Leather and black always wins.

    xo Lauren
    www.earthtostyle.com

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  4. I love what you wrote, and I am glad you were able to take time for yourself last year to grow even more. Looking forwards to reading more, of course on your own pace. XO, Ellese

    Rock.Paper.Glam.

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  5. You've done some serious self reflecting, which is so hard to do. Props to you for doing this!

    https://forsevenseasons.wordpress.com

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  6. Living out of habit is awful and it's important to step out of that and live because you see a new purpose each day. Good luck!

    xoxo,
    http://petitemaisonoffashion.blogspot.com/ ♥

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  7. It's always hard to recognize the parts of ourselves that we think are faults. // Everyone talks so much about passion, but I'm a big believer of purpose as well :) -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's

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  8. Sometimes it's good to take a little break to do some soul searching. I love your honesty and am happy you're back blogging. Wishing you a intentional year ahead!
    Rachael
    http://www.threadsforthomasblog.com

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  9. Thanks for sharing all that you have been through. People do grow apart which is really hard at times. I always feel sad when it happens. I guess that is just what happens to all of us in our lives. I wish you lots of luck in 2016 and hope you have a wonderful year.

    Kathy
    http://www.glamsimplified.com

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  10. Matchy matchy! You guys look so lovely.

    www.nomoretulips.blogspot.com

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  11. Welcome back, my friend!! Thank you for being so open in what you've shared with us. Wishing you a better year ahead-xx

    Shauna

    www.lipglossandlace.net

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  12. such a beautiful and deep post! welcome back to blogging realm!

    kelseybang.com

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  13. So happy to have visited your blog and this post! Can not wait to see more from you blog! -Maireem

    My Fair Autumn | Instagram

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  14. Love your photos!! Nice post!
    Xoxo,
    Love from www.trangscorner.com {a lifestyle, fashion, beauty, and food blog}

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  15. You guys are so cute, I love your photos
    xo
    www.laurajaneatelier.com

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  16. Welcome back!! Lovely looks!
    Dora www.BangsBang.com

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  17. Oh, you both are so cute! I enjoyed this lovely post :-)
    xo, Sindi | www.karvain.com

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  18. Welcome back!!! Love the leather jacket!

    www.alovelystyle.com

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  19. Loved reading your thoughts, I wish you all the best and thanks for sharing :)

    Check out my blog if you want: www.theglamandglitter.com

    Tamara xxx

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  20. Great piece of writing. Often you take pride in things and with time, they seem to slip from your finger before you can even realize it but the important thing is how you redeem yourself from that point on.
    Zoha x - ZOE AND TIMA

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  21. What a beautiful piece of writing to launch back into blogging. Welcome back -- I am looking forward to what 2016 brings for you!

    Best,
    Christina

    Looks by Lau

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  22. I love those look, so casual!! <3

    Blog: http://fiftyshadesofpink.blogs.sapo.pt/
    Instagram: @sarafqueiros

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  23. Great pictures, your leather jackets are gorgeous!
    Fashion Soup

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  24. Love your matching leather jackets!! Such an adorable couple~
    Have a good day!! Xo

    http://www.sweetsimpleday.com

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  25. Love the matching leather vibe!

    Hope you have a fabulous day!
    BLOG | Taislany

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  26. " I needed to start living more with intentionality and less out of habit" This holds true for me as well. It's so easy to just slip into a routine, when I really want to be doing new things and having new experiences.

    nolongergrey.com

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  27. What a fabulous, thoughtful post. New Years is a time to reflect and I'm glad you were able to realize your own faults (and others) but accept responsibility for things you may have done. It's a hard thing to do, but it shows that you're caring and honest.

    I hope 2016 is much better for you! You have showcased some amazing pictures here as well :)
    Great post

    Lindsey Elyse | lindseyginge

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  28. This is such a great post! So honest and beautiful. I am sorry to hear that your 5 year relationship ended but I am so happy that you returned to blogging! You were greatly missed! On a different note: You two look so hot! So edgy!!
    xoxo, Vanessa
    www.WhatWouldVWear.net

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  29. I love both of your looks! So chic!

    http://www.theaisleofstyle.com/

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  30. You guys are such a sweet couple. Being this honest is very hard. I've struggled with accepting when I was at fault for a falling out so I really admire that you took that first step.

    I'm excited for more of your posts, I'm a new reader and I'm already hooked!

    xx Belle

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  31. "Life is too short to spend it with people you don't connect with or doing things you don't enjoy." - this is so very true and I tell myself the same all the time. As the saying goes people enter your life "for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime". I too said goodbye in 2015 to what I had considered a solid friendship. At the end we need to see what's best for us, yes it is selfish, but if we aren't happy, then no one else can do it for us. Anyway, hope that 2016 will be filled with many great moments and revelations. And I'm very much looking forward to catching up in real life with you next month! :)

    Luxessed

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  32. Such a great post, girlie. I agree, it certainly takes time to grow and sometimes, we become so eager to want everything now, especially in a day and age when everything seems so instantaneous, that we tend to forget that it's a process and a gradual one at that! I think it's awesome that you took some time to reflect and begin to work on the areas in your life that you believe need enhancement or change; I think it's important that we all do this, so we can grow and be the best version of ourselves. As for your outfit, I love that leather jacket, as well as Brandon's. Thanks so much for sharing, certainly a relatable and meaningful post :) Have a wonderful day!

    XO,

    Jalisa
    www.thestylecontour.com

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  33. Welcome back, I loved reading this post. It's hard to be honest to such a vast group of readers, let alone friends and family. I admire what you did. Here's to a successful 2016!

    Hailey
    www.themiddlecloset.com

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  34. I'm soo glad you're back babe!! With this stunning outfit, you're off to a great start in 2016!!

    Adi xx
    www.fancycorrectitude.com

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  35. This was such a great post to read. I hope to be more intentional and self aware as well in 2016. Love how you put it that personal growth is just like a plant! Gorgeous photos, as always. Good luck with intentionality!
    xo Kiki
    http://colormekiki.com/

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  36. Welcome back, babe!
    We all get a little selfish sometimes- and it's okay. Sometimes it's necessary- whether to be more focused or to learn a little self-awareness. You have a remarkable amount of that here; self-actualization is rare! :)

    -Ashley
    Le Stylo Rouge

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  37. Welcome back! Sometimes we all need to take time and space to sort things out. This post, as yours always are, was beautifully written. I wish the end of friendships was something that was talked about more, because sometimes they are harder than any romantic break up. But sometimes, it's needed, in order to move on with your life. I am with you on your goal for 2016: to live with intention.

    Thanks for sharing.

    www.frommarin.blogspot.com

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  38. I totally agree with you. Life is too short to operate without fully having your heart in it. You do you, am I right? Glad to see you back to blogging.

    xx Yasmin
    http://banglesandbungalows.com

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  39. Welcome Back! Great look!

    http://carrieslifestyle.com
    Win your Fav Rosefield Watch!

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  40. Your bag is great!

    God bless,

    XO, Claire

    Http://www.littlemissfashionqueen.com

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  41. WB! Have a nice year. Honest thoughts. Waiting to hear from you soon. xoxo

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  42. Welcome back guys.
    I miss your minimalist looks and photos.

    Have a great day.

    The Bandwagon Chic | Instagram | Bloglovin | Snapchat: bandwagonchic

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  43. Hey love

    It us the first time visiting your blog and I really love it!

    Great content and nice pics!

    I have some ideas for collaboration between our blogs!

    Please take a look at my blog FASHIONRAILWAYS.COM and let

    me know if you are interested ;)

    xxx
    Vicky

    http://www.fashionrailways.com

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  44. Nice blog! I love and i follow your blog, please follow me too
    http://alamodenatine.blogspot.com/

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  45. I admire your honesty. I hope this year works out for you and you are able to achieve your goals. The intention to change is already a big step so you go girl! Good luck!
    http://theavantguardian.com/

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  46. You two are so adorable together! Lovely photos as always babe! Hope you’re having a wonderful week!
    Much love, Len
    www.lenparent.com

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  47. Welcome back. Sometimes we need to take time to sort things out. Hope everything will work out fine for you. Beautiful pics,btw. You guys are so cute.
    xox
    Lenya
    FashionDreams&Lifestyle

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  48. Welcome back! Beautifully written by the way. I always look at a quote on my phone and it says "make sure what you're doing today will bring you closer to how you want your tomorrow to be" and it got me off my feet and work and be happy.

    Joyce // Joycentricity

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  49. The whole time I was reading this I was mentally throwing my hands up in the air and yelling "PREACH!" I remember reading an article last year that also touched on living intentionally. That sometime it's okay to be selfish as long as you recognize it and be honest about it.

    Watching you evolve (heh like a pokemon) these past few years and coming into the person you are today has been awesome. I can't wait to see this person IN-PERSON this year hopefully! Fingers crossed! :)

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  50. No need to apologise - we are here for you :)
    Edita
    http://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/pret-a-reporter-3771146

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  51. You both look super chic in those moto jackets!
    xo, Jane
    http://www.fitfabfunmom.com

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  52. I LOVE your watch! Love the matching haha :)

    www.maggiealamode.com

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  53. Such an honest and open post! Love reading about your personal growth. Cheers to 2016!

    Wishes & Reality

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  54. Loved reading this post, and the quote at the end tied everything up. Good for you for having the courage to change, you're already ahead of 95% of the people out there. Love the outfit!

    xo, Alice || a l i c e / T Y P E N U

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  55. I always miss your blog when you're gone and I'm always glad you're back. Sounds like it was a hard year in many ways with some good lessons. I'm the same way. I want to live an intentional life. The hard part-it takes a lot of work.

    Amy Ann
    Straight A Style

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  56. I love your outfit, obviously, but I especially love that last paragraph you shared with us. I too want to take more time to live with intention instead of just doing stuff because I feel like I have to.

    aroseisinbloom.blogspot.com

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  57. I like these pictures and your outfits! Awesome jackets!

    jointyicroissanty

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  58. This is so beautifully written, and I love the photos! Thanks for sharing!

    http://roadesque.com
    http://ourruins.com

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  59. Welcome back sweetheart!
    We all sometimes need time off and it's very good when people just being honest about that! I really loved your post.

    Tanya
    www.StripesNVibes.com
    BlogLovin

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  60. It's so good to see you back to blogging Jasmine! And I love what you said about living with intention. For me, it can be hard to do that sometimes. I feel like my mind wanders a lot and it can be difficult to just fully be in that moment. Here's to 2016 being an awesome year for you! :)

    -Trou
    Wildflower

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  61. I love your views on change and growth, I completely agree that it develops at our own pace and not a moment sooner. Your journey of self-exploration may have done a fair amount of damage to your friendships, however I've no doubt you grew from it! I hope 2016 treats you very well and make no mistake - there are definitely people here who enjoy reading your blog posts and admiring the photography! :)

    Gabrielle | A Glass Of Ice
    x

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  62. Love the matching moto jackets!

    xo,

    Emma
    http://www.sassystreet.com

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  63. I'm discovering as I get older (also 26) that it really matters why you do something. Before I just did them because of how I felt and how I wanted to feel. Now I know that the things I do need to have a purpose. It doesn't have to be a major one but there should be some positive intention behind it. I'm sorry you had rough time but at least you're growing through it all.

    -M
    www.violetroots.com

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  64. Beautifully written post! I can relate to so much of what you have written :) I hope 2016 is a wonderful year for you. Enjoy every moment to its fullest!

    xo, mikéla / simplydavelyn.com

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  65. Welcome back to blogging!

    It sounds like it's been a rough 2015 for you, I'm sorry. Hopefully 2016 is bigger and better for you with all the lessons you learnt in 2015.

    Away From The Blue Blog

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  66. you two are the cutest. I love how you are wearing matching outfits
    x,Abril
    The Color Palette

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  67. Welcome back. I used to be sorry for not posting too but nowadays I really don't care anymore. I wanted to please everyone and one can never do that :D Love what you have written. I feel the same way about it.

    www.glamdevils.com

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  68. I really like what you said about living with intention instead of out of habit. I have been trying to do the same as well. It's hard to do and takes practice, but I am happy. This post was very inspiring, thanks for sharing!

    http://www.mintnotion.com

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  69. Beautiful post!! Thank you for being so inspirational. Hugs, Kait
    http://makeminemaroon.com/

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  70. Choosing to spend your time with great people who make you feel comfortable should be unapologetic if it comes from intentionality like you said! Bravo for taking the time to analyze your thoughts and actions and finding clarity.

    Kosta // Cool Gear Cavalier

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  71. Welcome back and I understand that it can be a bit harsh to be identified as something by a loved one, especially when you can't wrap your head around it. Taking time off is always necessary to realize these things about yourself, and that your loved ones only want the best for you. P.S. Love the outfit x

    http://splitneedles.blogspot.com

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  72. Welcome back!! also, your outfits rocks!

    x www.elizabethangelia.blogspot.com

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  73. Cute shots!
    Have a nice week-end!
    Photographe Gil Zetbase
    http://www.gilzetbase.com/

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  74. It's good that you didn't apologise for the break. Sometimes breaks are needed and no one should apologise for taking that time. A very insightful read x

    VanessaVonJames | Fashion Blog

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  75. Welcome back, I love and value honest meaningful posts like this.

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  76. Great reflection. Sometimes I feel like I am writing my blog for myself too....but you never know who is reading your space on the internet and connecting with what you're writing! I turned 30 in 2015 which has led to a lot of reflection on my 20s and relatioships, whether platonic or romantic. You are right, life is way to short so spend it with people that you care about and that care about you. As I get older I find that the whole quality over quantity thing is very true.
    I really enjoy your blog :) Great post.

    Sarah
    sarahjustinestyle.blogspot.com

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  77. This was such an inspiring entry and I know that it is something that everyone (including me) deals with every single day. I agree there is a really fine between independence and selfishness, and it is really a struggle differentiating these for me as well as I am nearing 30! Thanks so much for speaking about these issues and it's nice to know we are not alone :) Best wishes for you in 2016! x

    Erica
    www.eggcanvas.me

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  78. this is amazing! i hope you're doing well :)

    mfashionfreak♥blog

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  79. I'm glad to see that you're back to blogging, Jasmine! I absolutely loved this post and appreciate that you were willing to be so vulnerable on your blog. Your post really made me reflect about my own actions and how I could strive to be more intentional.

    -Helen
    Sweet Helen Grace

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  80. What a well written post! It's definitely hard to step out of your comfort zone so I'm so happy for you that you're making big progress!

    Tina
    www.justatinabit.com

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  81. Welcome back! Thanks for your very honest story!! Getting excited for your next post :))
    A.
    http://thepixiechic.com

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  87. Thanks to the staff at this place for making our event so enjoyable and if I ever get married. I know where to go! Great job all of you. Price was not too bad, considering the quality of food and beverages. Everything at Los Angeles venues was excellent.

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