Journal: Where I Belong

A lot of things in my life are compartmentalized: items in my closet (by color, type, and sleeve length), my work life, my personal life, my interests, my friends, files in my hard drive, the food on my plate, etc. It’s how I make sense of things—everything and everyone needs a place, a category where they belong. It brings me a sense of security, peace, and satisfaction knowing where things and people are, their purpose, and where to find them if I need them.

I remember in the early days of our relationship, Brandon was amazed how I was able to keep everything so separate. But as a professional creative, he didn’t have to. On Monday-Friday, I was a second grade teacher, a Starbucks addict, a hometown friend, a daughter, and a sister. On Saturday & Sunday, I was a girlfriend, a creative, a hat wearer, a fancy coffee consumer, a chaser of sunsets, and an explorer of alleyways. For some reason, that’s the way it had to be for me to maintain and exercise all the parts of me. The thought of merging those two worlds felt nonsensical, pointless, and counterproductive. I longed for a life where I didn’t have to be only one version of myself at a time. I just wanted to be me. I longed for friends who were creative and shared my love for traveling and stopping at random places along the way to our destination to take photos. I also longed for friends who understood and appreciated my passion for my work. I longed for a place where I belonged.

Journal: Stay High

"I guess the biggest takeaway from 2015 was that I needed to start living more with intentionality and less out of habit. I want to be intentional with my time. Wherever I am, I want to be all there--mind, body, and soul...This year, I am going to do things intentionally with the understanding that the outcome may be different than my intention, and with the faith that everything will happen the way it's intended to." 

--Post from January 18, 2016: Intentionality

Journal: The Art of Comparison

“Compare yourself to those who are better than you, not to those who are not as good as you.” That’s a mantra that my parents instilled in me and my brother from a young age to motivate us to work harder and to never be completely satisfied with our accomplishments for too long. They would remind us of this every time we would share a triumph with them. This attitude did some damage to my feelings of self-worth because it always felt like I was never good enough. It always seemed like there was always someone else who was prettier, smarter, and more accomplished than I was. However, as detrimental to my feelings of self-worth as this attitude was, it was also pretty effective. This attitude of constantly wanting to move forward and be better has become the backbone of my work ethic. I have since developed a horrible habit of constantly comparing myself to others. Other people and their lifestyles have become my thermometer to gauge my own success in my career, my relationships, and my lifestyle. While this comparison mindset may have made me more ambitious, it was also an easy road in becoming an envious person. More often than not I am discontent with my life and my accomplishments because as my parents would always say: someone is always better than me.

Journal: A Love Like This

With our second anniversary under our belts, I can't help but reflect with pride and joy on how much we've grown together as a couple and separately as individuals. Two memories from each year together stood out in particular when putting this post together. Let's take a walk down memory lane shall we?

Journal: No Bad Vibes

The best kinds of conversations are those that never really end--the ones that still keep you thinking about what was said, the ones that you pick up and put back down for days and weeks to come. Creativity (the idea of having it, or the state of being in it) is a reoccurring theme that pops up into our conversations frequently. Some of you may even remember a previous blog post in which I talked about creativity--and how we thought we had run out of it or had lost it. As if it were some superpower, we hoped that creativity would magically come back into our hands as we continued to wield our cameras. It struck me recently though that maybe our creative powers were never really lost. Maybe in actuality, all that had really changed was our perspective on the world.

Journal: Intentionality

Maybe it's out of habit or just in my personality to over-apologize, but when I first sat down to write this post, I had every intention of starting this post by apologizing for our absence for the past ten weeks. Maybe it's because I'd like to think that people actually care about this blog and about what I have to say, but the truth is no one but me and Brandon really care whether this blog is active or not. And since I'm already being honest, the truth is that I'm not sorry for having taken this time off. The way events unfolded at the end of last year forced me to really reflect on and confront the consequences of my actions that I put into motion years ago. I needed that time off to step back so that I could move forward.

For those of who have been on this journey with me since my last blog, Transient Withdrawal, you will remember that after a five-year relationship had ended, at 22, I was desperate to reclaim my independence and discover who I was. I was bitter and panicked that I had let a relationship make me miss out on many critical milestones in my early twenties, and so I felt compelled to do a crash-course to catch up with my peers. I was finally able to do college the right way during graduate school where I found friendships outside of my hometown circle. I was finally able to have those awkward dates and quick flings--both of which quickly turned into funny stories I could finally share with my girlfriends. And last year, I was finally able to move out into my own space. I was so adamant to get a quick and easy claim to independence that I felt so strongly that all of these experiences and milestones would bring me up to speed with my peers. Looking back now, at 26, I was naive and impatient to think becoming independent would be so quick and easy. It has been neither. Just like with a plant, you can't rush growth, especially when it comes to personal growth.

Portland Photo Diary

Before you get in too deep into this post, we feel like we should warn you that there are going to be a lot of pictures, a lot of pictures of plants (it is Portland after all), followed by a rant. We would also like to say that we have nothing against hipsters or trendies or anybody really in general. The following rant is just what we've been feeling and noticing recently. Hopefully you will find it entertaining (because you just might agree with us).

May Outtakes

Creativity is often sought after, but it is hard to define or explain. It's a quality that is used to describe certain kinds of people. It's a process that usually results in something beautiful, but it's also a state of being that seems to come and go in waves. It's not something that can be forced, planned, or bought. But is it something that you can run out of? If so, how do you replenish it and can you get more of it? Can it be learned or taught? Is it more like a river that keeps flowing or is it like a bucket that you have to keep filling? These are all questions that we've been pondering over the last few months.

January Outtakes

The concept of a fresh start can be so empowering and crippling at the same time. To realize that we have the ability to change our lives at any given moment is so powerful. The weight of unexplored possibilities and hopeful dreams can almost be too much to bear. 2015 is well underway, and the newness of the new year has begun to wear off. What started as a blank canvas for all things awesome to happen has turned into a daunting hurdle to just get through. Suddenly, the remaining eleven months seem to be simultaneously too little and too much time. Too much time spent mindlessly toiling away at work, and too little time spent accomplishing our actual goals. The new year always brings about hopes for the future, and so with our ambitions higher than ever, just getting through the day, the week, the year isn't gonna cut it anymore. That'd be settling, and we choose to be better than that.